Throughout my adult life, I have desperately tried to emulate my mother's giving nature. I can not think of a time when she ever put her needs before those of the family or her friends. She was kind and gentle; always a living example of her values and beliefs.
Like my mother, I try to welcome everyone into my heart. I try to meet the needs of others first and I try to be humble. Or so I thought. In the past months I've come to realize that I am selfish and egotistical; careless with my words and negligent with my actions.
Several years ago a cascade of events put me in a position where I drew within myself. I spent too much time in my head, allowing negative energies to suck my spirit into a black hole. If anyone asks, depression sucks! But I came out on the other end stronger in all ways. My ego rebounded and I took to my new life eager to explore unknown territories.
I strut like a peacock arrogant and proud. I had a great career and family. Everything was in place. Where I believed I was providing for my family, I was really saying "look at me and mine." I used charm and luck to slide through my hardships, all the while saying "look at my faith, I have endured so much." Everything I did, everything I accomplished was for ego. God does not like unfettered ego. Too much ego causes damage to others; hurt that can not be undone.
As I reflect on this not-so recent past and find myself wondering. If I had shed myself of arrogance and ego would things be different? Would they be better or for worse? I wonder if I can repair the damage and heal the wounds. Words and actions can not be taken back. Perhaps I can help to heal the hurts. But are my motives pure and selfless; or am I spinning my charms to keep my world revolving around me?
What would my mother do? I don't know. Mom would never have placed herself in this world. Yesterday I had an epiphany though I am sure my thought is not original. "Wait is a verb." To wait is to serve. My mother was a waiter. She served with Grace and Humility. Perhaps it was her voice telling me "Do not stand by idly while waiting. Serve those around you and you will find that for which you've been truly waiting."
Dear Lord, grant that I may wait with selfless action.
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