Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Humilty and Grace

Throughout my adult life, I have desperately tried to emulate my mother's giving nature. I can not think of a time when she ever put her needs before those of the family or her friends.  She was kind and gentle; always a living example of her values and beliefs.

Like my mother,  I try to welcome everyone into my heart.  I try to meet the needs of others first and I try to be humble.  Or so I thought.  In the past months I've come to realize that I am selfish and  egotistical; careless with my words and negligent with my actions.

Several years ago a cascade of events put me in a position where I drew within myself.  I spent too much time in my head, allowing negative energies to  suck my spirit into a black hole.  If anyone asks, depression sucks! But I came out on the other end stronger in all ways.  My ego rebounded and I took to my new life eager to explore unknown territories.

I strut like a peacock arrogant and proud.  I had a great career and family.  Everything was in place.  Where I believed I was providing for my family, I was really saying "look at me and mine."  I used charm and luck to slide through my hardships, all the while saying "look at my faith, I have endured so much."  Everything I did, everything I accomplished was for ego.  God does not like unfettered ego.  Too much ego causes damage to others; hurt that can not be undone.

As I reflect on this not-so recent past and find myself wondering. If I had shed myself of arrogance and ego would things be different? Would they be better or for worse?  I wonder if I can repair the damage and heal the wounds.  Words and actions can not be taken back.  Perhaps I can help to heal the hurts. But are my motives pure and selfless; or am I spinning my charms to keep my world revolving around me?

What would my mother do?  I don't know.  Mom would never have placed herself in this world.  Yesterday I had an epiphany though I am sure my thought is not original.   "Wait is a verb."  To wait is to serve.  My mother was a waiter.  She served with Grace and Humility.  Perhaps it was her voice telling me "Do not stand by idly while waiting. Serve those around you and you will find that for which you've been truly waiting."

Dear Lord, grant that I may wait with selfless action.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Holiday Cheer

I've been working a lot this season and have had little time, energy or focus to write.  I am not alone or different from anyone else.  We all have too many distractions.  I've been working on a writing for about a month and as dear as it is to my heart, I just can't seem to get to it.  Tonight I am sitting here after a good weekend spent with family and friends.  I wasnt' called to work and usually, while it means a smaller paycheck it also means I am more relaxed and at peace with myself.

And for the most part this is true.  Saturday was a day out with the boys.  We ran some errands, went to lunch and then we went hiking.  The boys behaved fairly well and and was fun.  Sunday was spent at church and lazing around the tele.  We ended the weekend with a party at church.  Dinner, horse drawn surrey and Christmas caroling; dessert, craft time and an argument.  .

All three boys were acting out at the church and we decided it was time to head for home.  Austin flipped and started kicking at me.  I lost my temper right there in front of everyone.  The ride home was no better.  I yelled at my loudest until finally the boys remained silent.  They submitted and went to bed without a word.

I feel guilty.  I want my children to have good memories of growing up.  I want them to look back on their childhood, as I do mine, and know the love not the anger of an overly tired mom.  I remember so much good in my childhood.  I remember the not-so good times too, but they are few and never without love and understanding.  But with my children, I feel like a monster.  There was an episode of "The Simpsons" where Marge blew her top and a Godzilla like face was screaming at the kids.  That's me.  What a horrible comparison.  I don't want to be Marge Simpson on a good day.  But that's the reality... I have three Bart Simpsons.